Im not being defensive. You are...

For someone who spends such a considerable chunk of time happily debating the facts and research that she reads and writes, I’ve certainly been guilty of arguably, irrationally defending my point in my personal life. If I feel like Im being criticised or my character is being questioned well… well… well…

When this happens from where I’m standing, I’m a rambling, flustered, stuttering mess trying to put my thoughts into words and failing to make them land effectively, feeling like I cant get to the point. And it’s not just because I’m a passionate person, I’m frustrated by the person I’m arguing with who just doesn’t get it, but I’m equally frustrated at myself because I feel defensive.

And trust me I’m much more comfortable writing out my point of view. With the typed   word, I at least get to edit my thoughts, remove the rambling and when other people read it, no one can hear my voice carrying on and I’ve already cut out the things I didn’t mean to say.

"When we get defensive, we create barriers to genuine communication and understanding. It's like building a wall between ourselves and the other person, instead of finding common ground and working towards a solution together."

So why do we get so defensive? Especially when it feels personal?

Based on my observations, in these instances when defences arise, proving the other person wrong seems to be more important for some of us individuals than having a productive conversation or finding a solution. It's like trying to break through a brick wall when debating with those who refuse to consider facts or context to which the situation originated. And this is nothing but a defence mechanism.

My grandfather used to tell me when I was a little girl “a debate is an act of intelligence and argument is an act of ignorance”.

From which he suggests that debates are a more productive and constructive way of engaging with differing opinions, as they involve a rational and respectful exchange of ideas, while arguments are more likely to be fuelled by emotions and a desire to "win" the exchange, rather than find a solution or common ground.

So what am I getting at by say this, when I started out talking about being defensive….

"Being defensive is like standing in a castle and throwing stones at anyone who comes near. Sure, you might protect yourself for a while, but eventually, you'll be all alone, surrounded by the rubble of relationships you never took the time to build."

Do you ever find yourself feeling attacked or judged when someone offers feedback or constructive criticism? Perhaps you become defensive and argumentative, feeling like you need to protect your image at all costs.

Your not alone, this is such a common response for things that hit too close to home, and it can really come to cause problems in your personal and professional life. Defensiveness is a common human response to perceived threats or challenges to things like our self-esteem, identity, beliefs, or values. When we feel attacked or criticised, our natural instinct is to protect ourselves from harm, which can lead to defensiveness.

Stop being hard on yourself defensiveness is actually a natural response of the brain that aims to protect us from potential threats or attacks, whether real or perceived. When we feel threatened or attacked, our brain's amygdala, a small structure located in the temporal lobe, is activated. The amygdala is responsible for processing emotions and regulating our body's response to stress.

Once the amygdala is activated, it sends a signal to the hypothalamus, which triggers the release of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. This response prepares our body to either confront the threat or escape from it.

Defensiveness can manifest in different ways, such as increased alertness, aggression, avoidance, or shutting down. These responses are all part of the body's natural defence mechanism, designed to protect us from harm.

However, when we become defensive too often or in response to non-threatening situations, it can negatively impact our relationships and well-being. This happens because defensiveness is an automatic response and doesn't allow us to think things through rationally. Therefore, it's important to recognise when we're being defensive and try to control our response by calming ourselves down and approaching the situation in a more level-headed manner.

So how does it show up?

Criticism

When we receive negative feedback, it can feel like a personal attack on our abilities or character. We may become defensive in order to protect ourselves from feeling rejected or hurt. However, being defensive can actually make the situation worse, as it can shut down communication and prevent us from learning and growing from the feedback.

"Instead of dousing the flames of criticism, use it as fuel to propel yourself forward. Embrace the challenge, let it ignite your passion, and watch as you soar to new heights. Remember, criticism isn't a roadblock - it's the ultimate accelerant to success."

Fear

When we feel threatened or afraid, we may become defensive as a way to protect ourselves from harm. For example, if we feel like our safety, reputation, or job is at stake, we may become defensive in order to avoid negative consequences. However, being defensive in these situations can also be counterproductive, as it can make us appear uncooperative or untrustworthy.

"Fears are like gatekeepers, keeping us trapped in our own limitations. Only by acknowledging and facing them head-on can we unlock the doors to true growth and transformation."

Loss of control

When we feel like we are losing control of a situation or when we feel like we are being challenged or threatened, we may become defensive as a way to regain control or protect ourselves from harm. However, being defensive can also backfire in these situations, as it can lead to conflicts and misunderstandings.

"When we feel a loss of control, defensiveness can become our default mode. But we must remember that true power lies not in trying to control everything, but in surrendering to the flow of life and learning to adapt. Only then can we let go of our defensiveness and embrace the beauty of the unknown."

Our past

"Defensiveness often arises when our past comes knocking at the door. We must remember that our past doesn't define us, it refines us”.

Experiencing trauma or abuse in the past can have a profound impact on our psyche, shaping the way we perceive and respond to the world around us. Our subconscious mind may attempt to protect us from similar harm by triggering a defensive response when we encounter situations that remind us of the past. However, while this defensive mechanism may have served as a survival strategy in the past, it can become a hindrance to our growth and healing if left unchecked.

It is important to recognise that the defensiveness we exhibit is not just a reaction to the present, but a reflection of our past experiences. By acknowledging and confronting our past traumas, we can begin to approach our triggers with a sense of openness and vulnerability, rather than defensiveness. This process can be difficult and painful, but it is essential for us to move beyond the limitations that our past experiences impose upon us.

Assumptions

"Assumptions are the footprints of our unconscious biases, and unless we choose to walk mindfully, they will lead us astray from the truth."

Assumptions can cause defensiveness by leading us to misinterpret others' words or actions, and this can create misunderstandings and hurt feelings. When we assume things about others without seeking to understand their perspective, we risk attacking their character or intentions, which can lead to defensiveness and miscommunication. To avoid this, it's important to approach interactions with an open mind and a willingness to listen, asking questions and seeking to understand the other person's perspective. By doing so, we can create more positive and fulfilling relationships, free from the cycle of defensiveness and assumptions.

Recognising when we're becoming defensive is the first step towards overcoming our defence responses. As defensiveness is often an automatic response, we may not even be aware of it until it's too late. However, by learning to recognise the signs of defensiveness, we can start to take steps to control our response and approach the situation in a more constructive manner.

One of the main signs of defensiveness is an increase in physiological arousal, such as sweating, increased heart rate, or rapid breathing. We may also feel a sense of tension or anger, which can lead us to become defensive and lash out at others. By becoming aware of these physiological and emotional changes, we can start to recognise when we're becoming defensive and take steps to calm ourselves down before we react.

Another sign of defensiveness is a tendency to avoid or deny responsibility for our actions. We may become defensive when someone criticises us or points out our mistakes, and instead of acknowledging our shortcomings, we may try to shift the blame onto others or deny that there's a problem. By recognising this tendency, we can start to take responsibility for our actions and work on improving ourselves.

So where do we even being?

Self-awareness and a little emotional observation.

By deliberately deciding to develop on our ability to observe our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviours in the moment we can start to recognise our triggers, our little tell tail signs and start to take back control of our lives.

Here are some tips on how to start recognising when you're becoming defensive:

1. Pay attention to your body: Notice any physical sensations, such as tension in your muscles, an increased heart rate, or sweaty palms. These can be signs that your body is preparing for a defensive response.

2. Watch your thoughts: Observe your inner dialogue and notice if you're getting defensive or making excuses for yourself. If you find yourself becoming defensive, try to shift your thoughts to a more neutral or positive perspective.

3. Check your emotions: Notice how you're feeling emotionally. Are you feeling angry, frustrated, or defensive? Try to take a step back and examine these emotions objectively to determine if they're justified or if you're reacting defensively.

4. Listen to others: Pay attention to how others are responding to you. If you notice that they're becoming defensive, it's possible that you're also reacting defensively.

5. Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness meditation can help you become more self-aware and observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment. This can be helpful in recognising when you're becoming defensive.

Recognising when we're becoming defensive requires a combination of self-awareness, observation, and mindfulness. By paying attention to our body, thoughts, emotions, and others' responses, we can start to recognise when we're becoming defensive and take steps to control our response. Taking a moment to observe your own reaction and understanding why you're feeling defensive can help you approach the conversation more objectively and thoughtfully. It can also help you identify any underlying biases or assumptions that may be clouding your perspective, and allow you to consider other viewpoints with an open mind. By being more aware of your own reactions and biases, you can better manage your emotions and communicate more effectively with others. It's okay to have differing opinions, but it's important to approach them with respect and openness to learn and grow. By understanding the root causes of our defensiveness and learning to control our responses, we can approach situations in a more level-headed manner and find common ground with others. So let's remember to embrace debates over arguments, use criticism as fuel for growth, face our fears, surrender control and adapt to life's challenges. Thank you for the opportunity to share my insights on this topic. Don't hesitate to reach out if you have any more questions or concerns.

Much love,

Eliza Jane