Build Boundaries, Not Walls: A Guide to Cultivating Healthy Boundaries

Build Boundaries, Not Walls: A Guide to Cultivating Healthy Boundaries.

“Don't build walls to keep people out, build boundaries to let people in.”

I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve heard some kind of remake of the lyrics from Rihanna's song - "Don’t Let Him In". Although the song isn't entirely relevant, the phrase plays over and over when it comes to building walls in relationships.

This phrase reflects our natural human tendency to protect ourselves from potential harm. However, it's important to recognise that building walls can also create a barrier to meaningful connections and experiences. And let’s be honest, it's lonely behind all the walls and barricades. Ultimately, the key is to find a healthy balance between protecting ourselves and living a fulfilling life with boundaries.

"Strong boundaries are the key to unlocking a life of authenticity and fulfilment."

When we shift our focus from shutting people out entirely to building fundamental boundaries, we remove the barricades and set emotional and psychological standards for ourselves and for others.

Oh, you mean boundaries, not barricades!!! Look, I’ve needed to learn a lot about this myself, and thats probably the reason why I got so much out researching and writing this particular blog. I’ve been a serial wall builder, shutting people out as a defence mechanism to protect myself from getting hurt or being vulnerable. It can seem like a helpful coping mechanism in certain situations, but when it becomes a habit, it can have negative effects on our relationships and our mental health.

In fact, many of us have a tendency to build walls and shut people out when we feel that our boundaries have been crossed. We may even feel vulnerable or scared to confront people over it, so we resort to avoidance or defensiveness. That which often only leads to further conflicts and damage to our relationships.

"Building walls to keep people out is like choosing loneliness over vulnerability. It may feel safe, but it's a prison of our own making, where we become the warden of our own isolation."

However, by cultivating strong boundaries, we can build stronger relationships based on mutual respect, communication, and understanding.

Okay, so let's define boundaries.

Boundaries are the limits we set with ourselves around what we will or will not tolerate. They are the guidelines, rules, and limits we establish to protect our emotional, mental, and physical well-being. They are the standards we need to set for ourselves and communicate to others regarding what is acceptable and what is not in our interactions and relationships. It's about answering the question, "What is okay?" versus "What is not okay?"

Unfortunately, many of us have never even thought of what or where those boundaries are. Inevitably, because of that, people cross those lines all the time, and we get hurt. You overcommit, you try to please everybody, and a line gets crossed. And the cycle of wall-building begins again.

"Building walls may protect you from pain, but it also keeps out joy and love. Don't let fear rob you of the richness that comes from vulnerability and connection."

So how do we overcome this cycle, this feeling that it's just easier to shut people out?

“Boundaries are like guardrails on the road of life - they keep us on track and prevent us from veering of course. With clear and healthy boundaries, we can navigate life's twists and turns with greater ease, confidence, and inner peace“.

Get clear! We start by getting clear on our limits, setting boundaries, and getting a solid understanding of why they are so important to us. This requires self-reflection and brutal honesty with ourselves. We need to recognise our own worth and know that setting boundaries is not a selfish act but a necessary one for our own well-being. We must also learn to communicate our boundaries clearly and assertively to others, while also respecting their boundaries. By doing so, we create a stronger foundation for healthier and more fulfilling relationships. It takes time and effort to establish and maintain boundaries, but the rewards of living a life with healthy boundaries are worth it.

Here are some steps you can take to set healthy boundaries:

1. Start by identifying your values, needs, and limits. What are your non-negotiables? What are the things that you can't compromise on in your relationships?

2. Define what needs to change. After you have gained insight into problem areas, define your new boundary. Make a request of yourself or another person about what needs to change.

3. Communicate your boundaries clearly and assertively. Don't be afraid to express your thoughts, feelings, and needs honestly and respectfully, while also being receptive to others' input.

4. Be consistent in enforcing your boundaries. Stick to your guidelines, rules, and limits, and don't let anyone cross them. This shows that you respect yourself and others will respect you too.

5. Practice self-care and prioritise your well-being. Take care of yourself first, and everything else will fall into place.

6. Evaluate and adjust your boundaries as needed. Life is constantly changing, and your boundaries may need to be adjusted to fit your current circumstances.

7. Prepare for pushback. Once you start establishing healthy expectations, others may react negatively. Boundary-crossers may get angry. This is to be expected. It’s a sign that the boundary is necessary and that it’s working effectively. Instead of viewing violations as set backs see them as opportunities to gain insight and improve on your boundary-setting.

Remember, setting healthy boundaries takes time and effort, but it's worth it to build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Jay Shetty once said, "The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life." By breaking down the walls and setting healthy boundaries, you can create stronger connections and live a more fulfilling life. So, I challenge you to start setting some boundaries in your own life today and see the positive impact it can have on you and your relationships.

Much love,

Eliza Jane